Insecurity

Today’s topic is a little bit special because I will be writing in full English and I did only a few observations ever since it came from my thoughts; more like about my feelings—

Anyway, I have been struggling with my insecurity since my first-born day.

No, not. I am kind of exaggerating it. Sorry lol.

Sometimes I am questioning myself for being an over-sensitive and over-thinking person. I bet everyone has that side too, but may not in the same way as mine, and mine may not the same way as yours.

It has been many years since I quit Instagram. Clearly saying that I did not delete my account. Let say, it is me being a passive Instagram user. If I had to recall it, which happened in 2016 since I stopped using Instagram. I had reasons. Hereby I mention:

1. Too many toxics (friends, flexing, hatred posts [not against me, but-]),
2. I am easily emotionally triggered with anything my mind consider not good for me,
3. Insecurities (physical, material, social, financial, relationship, etc.),
4. I consider my life updates as my privacy—I don’t post my life online,

I am trying to be more reasonable to cut off all of them, except for number three; it feels like my insecurity has turned into an endless river.

Most of my insecurity sources are found whenever I am surfing through Instagram, witnessing to myself or even when people frankly saying something towards me. Some of them may just have an intention to tease me or maybe joking, but I did not consider those in any way of a joke. Joking about someone’s insecurity will never be funny.

Someone might have been struggling in his whole life to survive from the insecurity that kills him inside, he is probably having a hard time because he needs to endure himself, he might feel uneasy to talk about it to someone, or maybe he is just probably doing whatever he could to keep it a secret because he feels ashamed and worry that someone would tease him. Moreover, that all ended up to people that are just too easy and irresponsible to make fun of it.

Ever since my not-so-good habit, which is shutting down toxins from my life and setting obvious boundaries, I tend to hide from social media. I tried avoiding everything that triggers me to feel insecure, whether it stops following them on social media, mutes their accounts, or maybe literally blocked them. In real life, that might sound a little bit too harsh, or me being extra. To be honest, I minimalize talking with the people who makes me insecure, for the sake of my mental health. I did not end any relationship with anyone, but minimalizing is the best choice for me to set my boundaries.

I am well aware of what I did might be awful and probably incorrect, but there is no other way instead of me being fake, it just burns me inside. I am not that kind of person anymore, although I admit it is not completely incorrect, since that skill seems to be low-key needed for some occasions where we have to put on a mask to protect our image.

Ironically, sometimes I should put that damned mask on my face and I instantly turn into another person, just so I could survive socially.

The thing is… I am not a people pleaser; I do not live to please anyone, and we should not either.

I never told anyone about this, not in a specific way. Because I feel like it is ashamed to be insecure, it is ashamed to have insecurities. Otherwise, people might think that I am not grateful enough to live life as me, despite my life seems miserable and I almost dead inside. I almost lost the half-part of me.

We should normalize that is okay to feel insecure because we are human that have feelings and deserve to feel secure. All we have to do is just be an understanding person and aware that someone has his acceptable flaws.

Always remember that you are fulfilled enough all by yourself and you will be the happiest person if you never comparing yourself to other people. Be grateful for what you already have and utilize it as well as possible.

That is all. Thanks. 

💜 Read more: 💜

1. Machdy, Regis. 2019. Loving the Wounded Soul: Alasan dan Tujuan Depresi Hadir di Hidup Manusia. Jakarta: PT Gramedia Pustaka Utama (bab HSP: Hyper-Sensitive Person)